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It's not really that common or even disturbing of a trend, given how for every spoiled rich doll-like child whose parents should never have been allowed to breed, there are 10, more who are just fine, whose parents take totally competent care of them and feed and clothe and house them just as respectfully and responsibly and awkwardly as ever. And you don't even have to scream at the sky right now and throw up your hands and say, but, but, but Similar, it all is, to a recent New York Times trend piece I just read on overpampered tweener girls getting expensive salon treatments at the new array of upscale spas designed especially for them. But who the hell wants to read about that. Because then you read about how this mom, this unspeakably sad and narcissistic creature of ignorance and silliness and savage karmic pain, actually demands that the waxer give her daughter — her prepubescent, pre-hormonal, nearly hairless 8-year-old daughter — a full bikini wax. This column also has an RSS feed and a very handy archive page. Who else can future generations of normal kids look to and say, oh my God, at least I'm not like that. Because really, how is a bikini wax for an 8-year-old any more horrific or abusive than parents who, say, let their kids gorge on junk food. Hot pink Juicy Couture thong underwear for 6-year-olds. The tweener trend merely connects further up the line to tales of desperately lousy parents who willingly pay 10 grand for their kids' plastic surgery when they turn 16, new boobs for Taylor and new calf implants for Todd and a new nose for Jenny because hey, all her friends are doing it and what's the big deal and so why not anesthetize her and slice into that young flesh and reshape her face to look more like Jamie Lynn Spears.

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Description: Similar, it all is, to a recent New York Times trend piece I just read on overpampered tweener girls getting expensive salon treatments at the new array of upscale spas designed especially for them. About relatively well-adjusted 9-year-olds whose parents "treat" their kids to flat-ironings and caramel tintings and expensive Miley Cyrus-grade primpings because they're all caught up in the pop culture horror show and think this is what life is all about. Because really, how is a bikini wax for an 8-year-old any more horrific or abusive than parents who, say, let their kids gorge on junk food. To get on Mark's personal mailing list, click here and remove three more. Man tries to cheat carpool lane with two dummies. A nd then there's the one about how some brain-dead super-rich moms in some upscale hoods in Philly are dragging their brutally primped 8-, 9-, year-old daughters to the salon and getting their eyebrows plucked and their stray hairs yanked and their cuticles scraped and their skin peeled and making sure everything is frighteningly picture-perfect because the girls simply must be made flawless and creepy and preternaturally vacuous — you know, just like mom. I must admit, it did a terrific job of doing exactly what ludicrous micro-trend pieces are supposed to do. But then comes the kicker, the horrifying thing that makes you cringe and recoil and want to move to Europe or maybe the moon, and it's the reason you are reading this ridiculous trend piece in the first place, against your better judgment but you do it anyway because, well, you're just that kind of masochist. Oh well — the girls finally turn 18 and head off to college and get a bad sacrum tattoo and appear on "Girls Gone Wild" and then, well, they disappear into the cultural maelstrom, only to reappear 10 years later as that exact same shallow, awful mom who drags her miserable 8-year-old to the salon for her first Brazilian. And lo, the circle of life continues. Bad parenting abounds, baby, and what's more, I say our culture needs psycho parents and their preening, hyperplucked kids simply because the culture needs future Paris Hiltons and Lindsay Lohans and spoiled UCLA sorority girls with names like Dakota and Bree because, well, who else will we mock.
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